Wednesday, August 18, 2004

'ole imp, icks!

What is the big hype about?

There is so much international competition already. All of the teams have seen each other before in other world competitions. These meets are just another tournament. What is so special about the Olympics today?

It also seems that if you don't get gold then your win is worthless. I've never seen happy faces on the silver or bronze medallists. Only the gold winner is happy. Why have a silver and bronze medal?

So much hype for just another international tournamnet.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Bored Games

I know they are called Board Games. They are called that because they are games that you play on a board.

What about games that don't have a board? Are they still called Board Games? Maybe They should be called Bored Games because they are games you play when you are bored.

And what about games that are boring that are played on boards? Would those get to be called Board Games or Bored Games?

Maybe, one day, boring board games played with out boards wont exist and we will only have board games played on boards that arent boring.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Slate Scores

This is from Slate

Dramatis personae: Me and Citigroup, the latter represented solely by its ad slogans.

ME: Um, hi. Look, I know this is an odd question to ask, but I've been reading some things in the papers about you guys lately, and I just want to make sure: Is my money OK?

CITIGROUP: People with fat wallets are not necessarily more jolly.

ME: What the hell is that supposed to mean? All I want to know is, you haven't gone and done anything irresponsible with my checking account, have you?

CITIGROUP: Holding shares shouldn't be your only form of affection.

ME: Oh, God. You have done something with my money, haven't you? Just tell me what you've done. I promise not to be mad.

CITIGROUP: He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

ME: You put it all into WorldCom, didn't you?

CITIGROUP: Funny how nobody ever calls it warm, soft cash.

ME: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Point taken. But just out of curiosity—you know, not that such things matter to me—exactly how much of my cash do you still have left?

CITIGROUP: Don't wait until someone says "Your money or your life" to remember that they are two different things.

ME: Oh, sweet Jesus. It's all gone, isn't it?

CITIGROUP: People make money. Not the other way around.

ME: That didn't even make any sense. Look: I sort of needed that money for little things like … rent.

CITIGROUP: Be independently happy.

ME: (Inarticulate whimpering.)

CITIGROUP: Human decency is up a point and kindness is making a rally.

ME: You'd better hope so.

CITIGROUP: Live richly!

ME: Go to hell.

Monday, August 02, 2004

My (Cr)ass Post

I was driving home last Friday and I noticed it was time to buy some gas (forget starting a college fund for my kids). A block before I pulled in for my purchase, in the privacy of my own car, I released a puff of "wind" from my internals. The second that happened, the chorus to a famous Lynyrd Skynyrd song popped on the radio:

"Ooooh that smell. Can't you smell that smell"

Of course this led to hysterical laughter, which, in turn, led to more wind breaking. This loop went on for a block until I pulled in to buy gas.

I almost imploded.