Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Slate Scores

This is from Slate

Dramatis personae: Me and Citigroup, the latter represented solely by its ad slogans.

ME: Um, hi. Look, I know this is an odd question to ask, but I've been reading some things in the papers about you guys lately, and I just want to make sure: Is my money OK?

CITIGROUP: People with fat wallets are not necessarily more jolly.

ME: What the hell is that supposed to mean? All I want to know is, you haven't gone and done anything irresponsible with my checking account, have you?

CITIGROUP: Holding shares shouldn't be your only form of affection.

ME: Oh, God. You have done something with my money, haven't you? Just tell me what you've done. I promise not to be mad.

CITIGROUP: He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

ME: You put it all into WorldCom, didn't you?

CITIGROUP: Funny how nobody ever calls it warm, soft cash.

ME: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Point taken. But just out of curiosity—you know, not that such things matter to me—exactly how much of my cash do you still have left?

CITIGROUP: Don't wait until someone says "Your money or your life" to remember that they are two different things.

ME: Oh, sweet Jesus. It's all gone, isn't it?

CITIGROUP: People make money. Not the other way around.

ME: That didn't even make any sense. Look: I sort of needed that money for little things like … rent.

CITIGROUP: Be independently happy.

ME: (Inarticulate whimpering.)

CITIGROUP: Human decency is up a point and kindness is making a rally.

ME: You'd better hope so.

CITIGROUP: Live richly!

ME: Go to hell.